


Sadness

by Amikotsu



Series: writing prompts [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dark, Depression, Desperation, First Meetings, Flirting, Hotels, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Room Service, Sad with a Happy Ending, Strangers to Lovers, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, You Have Been Warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 07:03:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20756291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amikotsu/pseuds/Amikotsu
Summary: Nothing is going right in his life, so Kakashi decides that he's going to end it. That's going to be his final big decision, and it will solve all of his problems. But then room service shows up, and now he's got some guy panicking and loitering in his room. How can he jump under these conditions?





	Sadness

**Author's Note:**

> This is dark. It's messy. There's humor and it has a good ending, but be warned. Read the tags.

He hoped the fall would kill him, that gravity would cooperate and something would finally go right for him for the first time in seven months. Standing on the fifth-floor balcony, looking out at the city lights, Kakashi had to admit that the view alone was breathtaking. He’d never really taken the time to appreciate the way the city looked at night, with colorful storefronts and the headlights of passing cars. He asked himself if he’d found something he would miss, but he decided that a pretty view of the world wasn’t enough to keep him going, to motivate him to want to continue living. No, he wanted to die. Years ago, maybe even seven months ago, he would have dismissed the fleeting thoughts of suicide, but things had changed, and his quality of life had steadily declined, until it eventually went up in flames. He didn’t want to leave someone to find him, his body a mangled mess on the cool cement, but someone would find him, no matter how he decided to end his life. He knew that. He’d found his father, after all, and wasn’t that a surprise. It was the anniversary of his father’s death and he thought it poetic to take his own life. He’d gone through multiple scenarios, until he’d decided on simply jumping to his death. He’d had to decide between water and land, whether he wanted to jump from a bridge or jump from the cliff. He’d decided on a building. He’d decided that for a few moments, he wanted to fly. Before his body connected with the ground, before his bones broke and his blood and brain matter splattered all over the ground, he wanted to be a bird. He wanted to taste absolute freedom. 

Kakashi leaned his forearms atop the stone railing and looked down at the ground, his attention shifting from the city to a single point below. He’d once thought of suicide as a coward’s way out, and maybe he still felt that way. He felt weak. He felt powerless. And so he’d decided to grasp the loose strands of his life and finally reclaim control. He’d decided to die. Of course he had friends that would miss him, but he wanted to be selfish. Thinking of his friends had almost made him reconsider, but the elevator ride to the fifth floor had cemented the decision. His friends would understand, surely they would understand. He had nothing left. What did someone do when they had absolutely nothing left? Well, they jumped from the fifth floor balcony and kissed the pavement. Kakashi could imagine the way his body would look. He saw the yellow police tape sectioning off the scene, separating the point of impact from the rest of the sidewalk. He saw the nasty bloodstains left behind. How would they even remove them? Maybe they would always be there; maybe they would fade away with every storm. Did he want people to remember him that way, as nothing more than stains on cement? He didn’t know. 

Kakashi had never been afraid of heights. He’d used to climb trees a lot as a child, and he’d fallen from them a few times. One fall had broken both bones in his right arm, and yet nothing had deterred him. Looking down, he felt sick to his stomach. He was nervous, but he was also excited, and maybe a little relieved. He was finally doing something. He was finally taking a stand. He knew no one would really understand his decision. Life was full of ups and downs, successes and disappointments, so someone might have called his decision premature. Maybe he hadn’t given his life enough time to return to the peaceful state of neutral. Was it wrong to want more out of life than the boring state of neutral? Was it wrong to want to be happy? He hadn’t been happy for years. Kakashi wondered if he’d ever been happy. And then he remembered his dad. He’d been happy then. He missed his dad. The thought hit him in the quiet moments, whenever he needed something to lift his spirits. He was blessed with sadness, riddled with memories of better times. Life was full of ups and downs, and Kakashi had embraced the downs.

Climbing up onto the railing was a little difficult, but he managed. He balanced himself by pressing his hands to the bottom of the balcony on the floor above him. The stone was cold on his bare feet, sending a chill down his spine. The cool autumn wind cut right through his black t-shirt. He’d worn something casual, but maybe he should have worn a suit, something to add some class to his corpse. The thought made him smile. He had a moment to embrace his dark sense of humor. His smile was the ending note to his life. Just as he turned toward the city and prepared to jump, someone knocked on the door to his hotel room. Yes, he’d been kind enough to go to a hotel to end his life, to spare his elderly neighbors the sight of his mangled corpse. Suddenly, it seemed like a bad idea. Kakashi looked back at the door and listened to the series of knocks.

“Room service,” the man said, knocking once more. Kakashi hadn’t ordered room service. The knocking started again, then Kakashi heard the sound of the electronic lock. Everything happened in slow motion. The man poked his head into the room, then pushed in a small cart with two covered dishes and a bottle of wine. “Room service,” he repeated, eyes scanning the room. He found the open balcony doors and took in the curtains whipping in the wind, but his eyes settled on Kakashi. Kakashi had never seen such a variety of emotions cross someone’s face. “Oh my God,” the man said, his words ending with the click of the door. They were alone together. “Please don’t jump!”

Kakashi sighed, exhale a wisp of white carried away by the breeze. It was surprisingly cold for an October night, but Kakashi preferred the cold. Autumn was his favorite season. For some reason, he wondered if his server liked autumn too, if they both had that in common. He didn’t want to scar the man, but he didn’t want to go back inside and have to repeat the process at another hotel, at another time. The man wore a white, button-up dress shirt with a grey vest and dark grey pants. He looked a lot nicer than Kakashi, and Kakashi suddenly wondered if he really should have worn a suit. He owned one, after all. Every man needed at least one good suit. The panic on the man’s face distracted from his crisp uniform. Kakashi knew the man was scrambling for something to say, unsure of what to do, and Kakashi felt bad for him. 

“I didn’t order room service.”

“Fifth floor, room three, ordered two chicken alfredo and one bottle of chardonnay.”

“This is room two.”

“Shit.” At the curse, Kakashi turned his back to the room and looked out at the city again. He had wanted to see the lights, but his eyes strayed down, down to the ground below him. He didn’t hear the man approaching, but he glanced back and saw that the man had closed some of the distance between them. He knew that if he left Kakashi alone, that would be the end. He wasn’t the brightest person, but he was smart enough to know that. “It’s a nice view,” he tried, creeping closer to the balcony. Kakashi wondered if the man had some kind of plan to save him. Kakashi didn’t want saved, not anymore.

“It is,” Kakashi agreed, swaying. A particularly nasty gust of wind almost disturbed his footing, and his heart had leapt into his throat. He wanted to die, but he didn’t want the wind to knock him off the balcony. He wanted to leave on his own terms. He thought he heard the man gasp, so he looked back again. The man was closer. “Just leave,” Kakashi said, frowning at him.

“No way,” the man said, matching Kakashi’s frown. Kakashi stared at him, taking in the man’s short, spiky hair and his dark eyes. He was handsome. He probably didn’t understand the first thing about life. He looked young, younger than Kakashi. No, he couldn’t possibly understand. Kakashi wondered what he thought of the situation, if he thought that he could save Kakashi. “My name’s Obito,” the man finally spoke. “What’s your name?”

“Kakashi.” Kakashi didn’t know why he shared his name. Names didn’t matter anymore. Obito stopped moving and reached up to tangle the fingers on his right hand in his hair, leaving more spikes in his wake. His hair was messy then, and Kakashi wondered if he even cared. When Obito started moving again, Kakashi eyed him. Obito went to the cart and grabbed the bottle of wine, then he watched Obito removed the top. Obito poured some wine in both glasses, then he started moving again. “What are you doing?”

“It’s perfectly good chardonnay. If you’re going to jump, you should have a glass first.”

“Why would I want a glass of wine?”

“Liquid courage? Come on. Don’t let it go to waste.”

Kakashi expected Obito to grab him and drag him back into the room, but Obito merely stepped out onto the balcony and extended a glass for Kakashi. Kakashi stared down at the glass, at the beautiful tint of the wine inside. Kakashi had never really cared for wine, so he didn’t know why he reached out for the glass. He still expected Obito to grab him, but nothing happened. Obito gave him the glass, then went back into the room. Kakashi thought he heard Obito mumble about how cold it was, which had his lips twitching for the beginning of a smile. Kakashi stepped down from the railing, then took a seat on it instead. He turned so that his back was to the city, so that he could stare into the dimly lit hotel room. Kakashi moved the glass in little circles, idly watching the rotation of the wine. He thought Obito might drag one of the room’s chairs over to the balcony, but the man just took a seat on the floor, near the entrance to the balcony. He didn’t leave. Kakashi swallowed his sigh with a drink of wine.

“Are you hungry?”

“What are you trying to do?”

“Well, I have two plates of chicken alfredo and I haven’t had my break yet. I don’t think I’ll be getting it anytime soon, so why not eat now? I’m not leaving you alone. You’ll jump.”

“What makes you think I won’t jump with you here?”

Obito didn’t have an answer for the question. His brows furrowed, he hid behind his wine too, swallowing his initial reaction. He didn’t know the first thing about talking someone down, and it was unfair of Kakashi to put him in that position. Kakashi leaned forward and rested his forearms atop his thighs. Obito stretched his legs out in front of him, then crossed them at his ankles. They sat like that until Kakashi heard a growl. He lifted his head to look over at Obito and found the boy trying to muffle his stomach’s growling with his hands. Wine glass on the floor in front of him, Obito tried to look as if he hadn’t been caught. Kakashi snorted and took a large drink, letting the wine linger on his tongue. The chardonnay wasn’t bad. Obito got up and went over to the cart he’d abandoned by the door. He removed the covers from both plates and Kakashi thought he saw the steam escaping. Obito arranged the silverware on the plates, then he carried them over to the balcony. Kakashi made no move to accept the plate, but Obito refused to leave. Kakashi set his wine glass down to his right, then he took one of the plates Obito held. Obito didn’t linger on the balcony; he went back into the room, a little past the doorway, and went right back to his seat on the floor.

“So why do you want to jump?” 

Obito’s question was quiet and he didn’t look at Kakashi when he asked. He had his head down, eyes on the pasta; he slowly wound the long linguine around his fork. The food smelled good. Kakashi stared down at the food for a few minutes, watching the way the steam mixed with the cool night air. When he grabbed the fork from the plate and began winding the pasta around it, he considered his reply. He didn’t open up to people. That was why his wife had left him. He never talked to her about how he was feeling; she was left wondering, wanting. She’d wanted a part of him he wasn’t willing to give. Maybe he didn’t think he deserved her. In the end, he didn’t. He heard slurping and looked up to find Obito sucking on a long noodle. The man had sauce all on his lips. He looked ridiculous.

“Seven months ago, my wife left me. She finally filed for divorce three weeks ago,” Kakashi began, his words heard even over Obito’s slurping. As soon as the noodle was in his mouth, Obito shifted his focus to Kakashi. Kakashi had decided that it didn’t matter if Obito knew the truth. Obito was a stranger. And in the end, Kakashi was going to kill himself. He had no one to impress. He had nothing left to hide. “I lost my job. I might lose my house,” he continued, stopping to take a bite of the pasta. It was delicious. 

“That sucks,” Obito frowned, tongue darting out to lick the sauce from his lips. Kakashi hummed in response, then he set the fork down to grab his wine glass and take another drink of the nice chardonnay. The wine went well with the pasta. Someone knew how to pair the meal with the drink. Kakashi would have never known. “It’s her loss, you know. I’m sure you’re a great guy. Maybe you guys just got married too soon?”

“She thought so too,” Kakashi said, speaking more to his food than to Obito. They’d married when they were eighteen. She’d had a pregnancy scare and their relationship had been perfectly fine, so they’d thought marriage was the right thing. They lasted four years. He didn’t know when she’d finally woken up and decided their marriage wasn’t going to work. Maybe it was the last time he’d refused to go to marriage counseling. “How old do you think I am?”

“I don’t know. Twenty-something? How old do you think I am?”

“I just turned twenty-two. You’re what, eighteen?”

“No. Why does everyone keep making me younger? I’m flattered, but I’m twenty-two.”

Obito didn’t look twenty-two. He didn’t act like a typical twenty-two year old. Kakashi really thought Obito would run away; he thought Obito would try to get help, to give him the time he needed to jump, but Obito wasn’t a fool. He wondered if he could appreciate that fact. Obito shoved a heaping forkful of noodles into his mouth, then proceeded to suck on the noodles until they disappeared into his mouth. Kakashi didn’t even have the heart to judge the guy, even though Obito ate as if he hadn’t had a decent meal in days. Kakashi stabbed a piece of chicken and took a bite, eyes straying from Obito to his own plate.

“I just went back to college. Again,” Obito said, remedying the lapse in conversation. Kakashi nodded, and Obito took that as encouragement to continue. Kakashi had graduated early with a degree in accounting. Accounting, of all things. He preferred numbers more than people though. He’d actually liked his job. “I flunked my last semester. I’m on academic probation. I wanted to major in psychology, but I failed the experimental psychology class and the statistics class. I think I might have to change my major. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. I finally thought I found something and I failed.” Obito took a long drink from his glass, then he smacked his lips. He looked as bad as Kakashi felt, which contrasted sharply with his nice uniform.

“I was an accountant.” Kakashi didn’t need a response, but Obito forced a smile for him. He looked as if he were waiting for Kakashi to continue, but Kakashi didn’t. Obito made a hand motion then, just something to encourage Kakashi. “I like numbers. I liked my job,” Kakashi added, taking another drink of wine. “I don’t know if I’m more upset over my marriage or my job.” 

The admission had him chuckling. He really didn’t know. He’d loved his wife. He’d loved his job. And yet, what if he hadn’t? What if he’d just been going through the motions. Up near the end, it had felt that way. Living seemed like just another chore. They finished their food in silence, then they drained their wine glasses. Obito grabbed the bottle and finally joined Kakashi on the balcony. He refilled Kakashi’s wine glass, then his own, and he left the bottle on the flat stone railing. The chilly wind had picked up again and it cut right through them. Kakashi felt as if he deserved the raised flesh on his arms. Sadness always left him cold, shivering for warmth.

“You can find another job, Kakashi. You can find someone else. It’s not the end of the world,” Obito mumbled, standing next to Kakashi. He rested his hands atop the stone railing and leaned over a little to stare down at the ground, just as Kakashi had done earlier. He probably thought it was a long fall. Kakashi wanted to ask him what he thought of the city, but he took a drink of his wine instead. “There are still plenty of reasons to live. It’s just hard to see them right now.”

“Oh? Give me some reasons, Obito.” By that point, Obito had chugged his second glass of wine and quickly moved to refill it. The corners of Kakashi’s lips were upturned for a brief smile. Obito added some more wine to Kakashi’s glass too.

“Well, what about winter? You’ll miss the first snow of the season. You’ll miss ice skating and building snowmen. You’ll miss snowball fights! Those are always fun,” Obito said, grinning. Kakashi hadn’t done any of those things in a long time. The last time he’d had a snowball fight, he’d been young, really young. His dad had been alive then. Kakashi looked away from Obito and stared in at the empty hotel room. He wondered if anyone had noticed Obito’s absence. They must have been together for over an hour. “What about summer? I love summer! There’s nothing better than swimming. You can visit the local pools or you could swim in the lake!”

“You’re very excited,” Kakashi noted, glancing over at Obito. Obito laughed and rubbed the back of his head. Kakashi had never thought about the changing seasons, about the small things that he’d miss. He would miss the temperature change -- he would miss the cool, crisp winter sunrises and the warm, muggy summer nights. He would miss the smell of the honeysuckle growing in his backyard. He would miss watching the fireflies as they drifted through the night. “Hm,” he hummed, earning Obito’s attention. “I’m not convinced.” 

“What about your family, Kakashi?”

“I don’t have any.” Obito visibly cringed. Kakashi took a few drinks of wine before he decided he’d plunge, headfirst, into another conversation. He’d pick at the scabs that decorated his heart. “I only had my father, and he chose to end his life.” Obito frowned, then it was his turn to take a few drinks of wine, a few more moments to collect himself and reorganize his thoughts. Kakashi allowed him that much. They weren’t in a hurry; at least, Kakashi wasn’t in a hurry. He’d spent a long time hurrying through his life. It felt good to stop and wait. It felt good to just breathe again. He wondered if he’d miss that.

“What about your friends?”

“What about them?”

“Do they know you’re struggling?”

Kakashi went through the handful of friends he’d accumulated over the years. Most of them were worried about him, but he’d spent so long deceiving others that it was nothing to put on the proverbial mask and continue on with yet another act in the show. He had one friend that knew. Gai. Yes, Gai knew. The man had been forcing Kakashi out of the house on a daily basis, forcing him to try new things. The two had tried hot yoga together, on one outing. Kakashi had never been so exhausted and disgusted in his life. On another outing, they’d had an ice-cream eating contest. They’d both suffered through brain freeze until Kakashi eventually won. Gai had tried to keep him going. No one else had really bothered, but no one else was quite like Gai. Kakashi came to the conclusion that his best friend was Gai, despite the fact that he thought the man was missing a few screws. He decided that he’d miss Gai. He’d miss their adventures and crazy competitions. He’d miss the wake-up calls and the late-night trips through Chinatown. Kakashi wondered how Gai would handle his death. Kakashi had spent so much time relying on Gai that he’d never considered the possibility that Gai needed someone, that Gai would need someone. 

“I don’t open up to others. It’s why my wife left me,” Kakashi spoke, words honest, though they were late. Obito pursed his lips, then he turned his head to study Kakashi’s profile. They made eye contact, but they didn’t hold it. Obito’s eyes brushed over Kakashi’s face, following along his nose, down to his lips, and up along his jaw.

“You’re opening up to me.” Obito turned toward Kakashi and pressed a hip against the railing. In response, Kakashi took another drink of wine. “You still want to jump,” Obito frowned. Kakashi didn’t respond, so Obito sighed and ran a hand down his own face. Kakashi knew that it must have been frustrating for Obito to try to change something so set in stone. Kakashi wanted to escape his problems one final time. No more sadness. No more anger. No more loneliness. Nothing. Big, black nothingness. He didn’t care about the existence of heaven or hell, god, gods, ancestors -- Kakashi wanted a void where he could spend the rest of eternity. He would settle for nonexistence. “What about you? You should give yourself a chance to bounce back. You’re only twenty-two. There’s plenty of time for you to get out there again. And I’m sure you’re a great accountant, so you just need to put your résumé out there. I can’t just,” Obito said, struggling with his words, “I can’t just let you die.”

Obito didn’t try to hide his emotions, which was refreshing. Most of Kakashi’s friends wore masks too, hiding emotions, hiding feelings. Kakashi reached over and grabbed the bottle of wine, then he filled their glasses to the brim. He set the empty wine bottle aside, then he lightly touched his glass to Obito’s. That was the only comfort he could offer. Obito cracked a smile, even as the wine ran over the side of his glass and down over his fingers. Obito took the glass in his right hand and licked the wine from the fingers on his left hand, savoring the taste of the chardonnay. Someone knocked on the door and both men tensed, their eyes meeting again. 

“Housekeeping!”

“If you don’t respond, she’s going to open the door. I’m not supposed to be here and you’re trying to jump off the balcony. Go tell her you don’t want your room cleaned. It’s not against the policy. She’ll move on.”

Kakashi stared at Obito, eyes narrowed in thought, until he eventually slid off the railing and walked back into the hotel room. The woman did slip her keycard into the door and managed to open it, but Kakashi jammed his foot against the door. He stood in the doorway, blocking her view of the rest of the room. She saw the cart and the two covers from the plates of food, but nothing more. Kakashi forced one of his smiles for her and she blushed, clearly embarrassed.

“Sorry. Would you like your room cleaned?” She had clean towels in her arms, two big, fluffy bath towels. Kakashi held out a hand and she quickly handed him both towels. “I can come back,” she offered, clearly trying to see around Kakashi. Kakashi looked down at her nametag. Etsuko. She was young, and she had a pretty smile, but she was curious, far too curious. Kakashi didn’t bother answering her. He waited for her to get the message. When she moved back from the door, he closed the door in her face. As he walked back toward the balcony, he tossed the two towels onto the bed. He’d never use them.

Kakashi grabbed his wine glass and chose to stand next to Obito. They both looked out at the city. Kakashi heard laughter from somewhere below them, followed by loud conversation. A group of teenagers passed by the hotel. Two girls squealed and ran off ahead of the rest of their group, luring their friends into a game of chase. If Kakashi listened closely, he could hear the faint sound of music from one of the nightclubs. He’d never been to a nightclub. In college, he’d never been a partier; he’d never been a drinker. His friends had considered him rather boring; in fact, they still considered him boring. Kakashi wondered if Obito went to nightclubs. He turned to look at Obito, as if looking at the man’s profile would give him some clue. While Kakashi was away, Obito had rolled the sleeves up on the dress shirt, revealing some skin. Obito turned to him and smirked.

“Let’s go to the nightclub on thirty-third!”

“I don’t think you understand what’s going on here.”

“I know exactly what’s going on here, which is why I’m suggesting it. Have you ever been to Akatsuki? It’ll change your life.”

“No,” Kakashi said, frowning, “I’ve never been to Akatsuki.” Obito feigned a gasp and placed a hand over his mouth for added effect. Kakashi rolled his eyes and turned back to the city, even though his lips twitched for a smile. Obito had seen it. Kakashi knew the man had seen it. For a moment, Kakashi entertained the idea. He wondered what it would be like to leave the hotel room, to go out onto the city streets, to investigate the appeal of the nightclub. He was underdressed, while Obito was overdressed. They were quite the pair. “What would we do while we were there?” Kakashi sipped his wine while he waited for Obito to construct their imaginary night out. He let Obito daydream about the club while he thought more on his own conviction.

“I’d get you wasted,” Obito laughed, pausing to take a drink. Kakashi snorted and shook his head. He should have anticipated that. Obito seemed like a partier. Obito seemed like the adventurous sort. “This chardonnay has nothing on tequila shots. We’d get drunk and dance badly. If you’re lucky, I’d let you kiss me.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Everyone wants to kiss me.”

“Do they.”

“You’re smiling, Kakashi,” Obito said, his voice surprisingly soft. Kakashi hadn’t noticed, but he had smiled. After frowning for so long, it felt nice to smile. It was different, something new. A forced smile had nothing on a genuine smile. Kakashi hid the smile by taking another drink of his wine. Obito sighed, then turned so that his lower back was pressed against the railing. He reached out and poked Kakashi’s right cheek. “I’m serious. Let me take you out. Live a little. That’s the one thing you’ll be missing. Not winter. Not summer. Life.” 

“Hm. I might be a lightweight,” Kakashi warned, the small smile returning. Obito cheered and threw an arm around him, squeezing him in a side hug. Kakashi polished off the rest of his wine, then he set the glass back on the railing. Following Kakashi’s lead, Obito downed the rest of his own wine. “What about your job?”

“I’ll figure it out tomorrow.”

**Author's Note:**

> Another prompt that was rotting away on my tablet! :)


End file.
